Calm Parents, Happy Kids: The Secrets of Stress-free Parenting

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The other thing that rubs me wrong about this book is the constant appeal to "science." According to Markham, after 10,000 years, we have finally figured out how to raise well-adjusted human beings, and this book is the summary of those findings. Her suggestions are very precise, and her insinuations that your child will be messed up forever if you don't follow her method are not subtle. Here is a little table to summarise the difference between controlling and coaching: In response to child’s: Helping your kids forge a close lifelong sibling bond—as well as the relationship skills they will need for a life of healthy friendships, work relationships, and eventually their own family bonds. Then! Part 2! Which opens with a statement that children in daycare more than 20 hours a week and/or who start daycare before age 3 will inevitably develop behavioral problems (if your kid meets both criteria, you might as well just set up a drug-rehab-in-high-school fund now), and goes downhill from there. She follows that up with saying that if you HAVE to work, then every second with your children has to be one in which you are giving them your undivided attention (even if you have more than one child, which I'm pretty sure violates the laws of physics). And she follows THAT by saying that "if you have to set an alarm, you're not getting enough sleep" and you're a bad parent for not practicing good self-care.

This book is predominantly useful if you have one kid. She gives an example of the kid tormenting the dog and how to handle it, and her suggestion (reward the tormenting with game play until the kid doesn't want to torment the dog any more) would really be a bad idea if the kid was tormenting his sibling instead. We both have a long way to go but this book is & has changed my way I parent. I've never believed in time outs or spanking to begin with but needed better tools to guide my son.

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I mean... what? What kind of magical time-bending world does she live in? And how detached from the reality of mothers' lives, either working or SAHMs, is this? Being told that every second with your children has to be about them, and every second away from you damages them emotionally, but also that you have to magically find all this time for self-care? WTF? Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids focuses on building connection between parents and children. The book has many ideas that can help parents stop yelling and over-reacting and really start parenting calmly and effectively, even during stressful situations. The book is full of insights and information but it's easy to read and actually applicable to everyday parenting, from meltdowns and power struggles to outlining more positive ways to deal with unacceptable behavior. Imagine that your relationship with your child has an emotional bank account. All the positive experiences, loving and affirming interactions create a positive balance (hence, fostering connection). When we have less than optimal interactions with a child, our account dips into the red. Force creates resistance. That’s a strong message for all parents. So how shall we react to our child’s inappropriate behaviour? Discipline! (btw, the literal meaning of this word is “to guide”). In a nutshell, it’s all about teaching your child alternative behaviour, rather than just stopping the unwanted behaviour.

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids might seem like a lengthy book at first glance but it is divided into three sections which makes it much easier to digest. Each section is broken down further into pointed topics which are designed to help you master peaceful parenting. The division of topics is perfect, giving the reader the opportunity to let the research, the advice, and the real-life application techniques a chance to soak in. Seeing things from my son's point of view no matter how small or petty it seems to my adult mind is helping us both work through those difficult tantrums & times I just want to yell & tell him to shut up! Think about how you can become less controlling and more coaching parents? Write down three actions you can start doing today: one to coach your child emotionally, second – to teach how to behave, and third – to teach a life skill or mastery. Get support in working through old issues . Raising kids is tough work, so make sure you ask for help when you struggle emotionally (even if that involves just talking with a friend). In the book, Laura gives many age-appropriate strategies on how you can help your child develop mastery, so definitely grab the book! Action steps for you:

There is also lots of info about anger and anxiety, games to play with your child, and “scripts” for different situations. Basically, LOVED this section! My son recently turned 2 and it seemed overnight, he became easily frustrated and had a hard time calming down. There have also been times where he would not listen to me (like running away in public), and our time together would become a battle. I just knew there had to be a better way, but wasn't sure what to do. I've always considered myself (or aspired to be) a "peaceful parent," but that's not how I grew up, so I wasn't sure what to model for him. Well, this book has given me the tools and it's been an eye-opener! It's an easy read, and it explains so much! Instead of reacting to everything, PAUSE (the book tells you how, ha ha)! I've noticed a major difference in just a week--with myself, my marriage, and my son! Now, I get to be the parent I've always wanted to be: one who really enjoys her child and has internal peace. I always admired those moms at church who had 8 kids and seemed unfazed by the little things. Here I have one child, and couldn't seem to center myself. This book has been it for me! Being a peaceful parent can be achieved, fellow Moms and Dads! Dr Markham writes that our ability to enjoy our children may be the most important factor in their development. A strong and loving relationship with our child is one of the best investments in life, and it has long-lasting benefits. Therefore, when you have some frictions with your child or face challenging behaviour, it’s most likely a signal that your relationship account is in red. Have a think about what contributed to this overdraft? What can you do to refill the relationship account with your child? Special time Other assertions, such as that disapproving of a child's emotional expression will teach him/her that (s)he is bad and turn them into a maladjusted adult incapable of interpersonal relationships doesn't even get a citation because obviously that's utter nonsense. Every single person who has ever had a relationship in western civilization has been told at some point in their childhood that they're crying over nothing.

Regulate themselves. “Your own emotional regulation – a fancy way of saying your ability to stay calm – allows you to treat the people in your life, including the little people, calmly, respectfully, and responsibly.” And this, in turn, helps children become emotionally regulated, respectful, and responsible. It all starts with us. Understand how emotions work. That’s why every parent needs to go through an emotional intelligence crash course. In a nutshell, when we are in a fight-or-flight mode, our child (or anyone else) looks like an enemy to us. Once we take our emotions under control (e.g. with a few deep breaths), we react better and take better decisions. This idea is deeply rooted in the well-researched attachment parenting theory. In a nutshell, research shows that when children feel connected to us, they behave better, have higher self-esteem, feel more confident and less stressed, and are more resilient. These are all the necessary factors for optimal development. Coaching, not controlling. “What raises great kids is coaching them – to handle their emotions, manage their behaviour, and develop mastery – rather than controlling for immediate compliance.” Any human being rebels against force and control, so trying to force your child into obedience is very short-sighted. By coaching, you teach your child all the necessary skills he needs to grow into a self-directed adult. I do gravitate towards the “peaceful parenting” philosophy, but there are other, much better books on the subject (Rest, Play, Grow is excellent, as well as Dan Siegel’s books). I also vehemently disagree with the author’s statement that “discipline never works” - she equates discipline with punishment, while in reality those are two VERY different things (discipline coming from the root word disciple, which simply means “to teach.”) I do agree that punishment (spanking, time outs, etc) rarely work, but true DISCIPLINE (teaching a child to clean up a mess they’ve made, teaching them to fix something that they’ve broken or solve a problem they’ve created) is important and very necessary as a parent!

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I dunno, it's entirely possible that Section 3 has awesome advice too, but I just can't bring myself to read on. This book guilted me hard (hard enough to make me cry, actually) for not being maternally loving enough to conjure more than 24 hours out of every day, or for sometimes wanting to talk to my husband after six hours alone with the kids. The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn’t work to teach children better behaviour. In fact, studies show that punishment creates more bad behaviour. Not just that children who behave badly get punished more, but that children who get punished more will behave badly more often over time.” So why the three star rating? The delivery didn't work for me on multiple levels. For instance, she supports the idea that the goal of setting limits is to inspire children to self-discipline over time and makes a distinction between discipline and punishment. But then she decides to call it "loving guidance" instead of "discipline". This tendency in modern parenting guides to try to coin shareable phrases annoys me... there's already a perfectly good word for what you're describing. There's a lot of this sort of flowery language and it doesn't appeal to me as a reader or as a parent looking for help in the day-to-day struggle of raising children. It's based on the latest research on brain development and clinical experience with parents, rather than opinion.

Phew. I realize this review is long but I mostly wrote it for myself, to help me process everything I’ve learned. By contrast, when we think of ourselves as coaches, we know that all we have is influence – so we work hard to stay respected and connected, so our child wants to follow us. Like an athletics coach who helps kids develop strength and skills to play their best game, coaching parents help kids develop the mental and emotional muscle and the life skills to manage themselves and live their best lives.” Connecting through play has always been a huge part of my parenting & I like how this book emphasizes that. Even 10 minutes here and there being fully engaged with him helps.The beginning of this book had me really thinking of the Seinfeld episode where George's dad listened to some relaxation tapes that told him to say, "serenity now," every time he felt his blood pressure get too high. By the end of the episode all the yelling, "serenity now," turns to pent up emotions and the saying becomes, "serenity now, insanity later." I kind of worried and laughed a bit as I listened to this book that all the calming breaths and peaceful demeanor in dealing with young children would turn into insanity later! Your acceptance of his emotions teaches your child that his emotional life is not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and manageable.” (113)